A Puzzle Junkie's Guide to Divorce Mediation

I've been an avid puzzle fan most of my life. I start a crossword puzzle almost every day. When I reach a point where I can't think of all the answers I need, I use a trick psychologists refer to as incubation. That's where you stop thinking about a problem -- and "sleep on it." When you get up the next day, the answer is there.

Because it works so consistently well when I face unsolvable puzzle clues, I’ve applied this trick as a divorce mediator with my clients, when they're having an especially difficult time resolving a mediation problem while in session. I ask them to put the issue that is giving them so much trouble completely out of mind until the next mediation session. Remember, incubation only works if you can stop thinking consciously about the problem. Admittedly, it's a little harder to do with real-life divorce conflicts than with my puzzles, but life has a way of pushing even the thorniest problems to the background when we let it.

When I get together with my clients for the next session, I ask them to once again brainstorm new ways of resolving the issue that was so impossible before. To my -- and their -- surprise, they routinely come up with ideas that hadn't occurred to them during the previous visit.

Psychologists say that when confronted with a problem we can't solve, our brain doesn't forget the issue. In fact, it goes into overdrive trying to solve it. This "incubation" stage of creative problem solving, in which the mind continues to work on a problem below the level of awareness, is what my clients experience in the time period between divorce mediation sessions.

Are We Our Own Worst Enemy?

While incubation is one trick to help solve problems in divorce mediation, the second strategy I've learned from crossword puzzles is how to work around the "I'm certain I'm right" phenomenon. This emotion-driven conviction causes our minds to work against us.

This is how it stymies me when I'm working on a puzzle. I read a clue and I'm certain I know the answer. It makes sense. It has the right number of letters. So I use that word to help me find the answers to surrounding clues. But I can't. None of the answers for the surrounding clues mesh with the first answer I filled in. Why? Because the first answer is wrong! But once I'm convinced I have that first clue's answer, I tend to stick to it, defend it, rationalize it, and protect it. And all the while it insidiously keeps me from getting any more of the puzzle completed.

But, if I can drop the emotional attachment to that first troublesome answer and erase the word, everything changes. Without the wrong answer in the way, I can usually answer the surrounding clues easily, and that makes it easy to find the correct answer where the wrong one had been.

In divorce mediation, I ask my clients to do the same thing. Say the question comes up: "What do we do with the family home?" The couple may feel the only possible answer is to keep the home, to give their children stability. The two brainstorm endless ideas to allow it to happen, but they can't find a financial way forward. If they're going to resolve the issue, the couple may have to entertain the idea that this first solution isn't possible. Because that might be emotionally painful, I ask them to simply put the idea aside for a moment -- and stop thinking about it. Again, it's admittedly easier with puzzles than with real life, but when a divorcing couple is at an impasse, they often realize they have to attempt it.

With a clean slate, I ask the couple to think about other possible answers to the core question: "What do we do with the family home?" Freed from the idea that they must keep the home, they are almost always able to come up with other creative solutions that better meet their financial realities, while still giving their children stability.

The take-away from all this is that divorce mediation is not unlike the problem solving you do with any kind of puzzle. Putting something out of your mind, or admitting that you might be wrong, can really help. I encourage you to try these techniques when you're grappling with a seemingly intractable -- and unsolvable -- problem in your divorce negotiations.

Contact Transitions Mediation Center to learn how it really can be your divorce and mediation can help you come to a mutually beneficial agreement and move forward with your life.